To make a long story short... A guy broke up with me the other day. I really don't feel like drawing this out more and telling why he did it, so I won't. I've been so miserable and I can't stop thinking about it. I want to be mad at him so bad, but he's such a wonderful person and I understand most of his reasoning behind all of this, because I did the same thing... but if I was mad at him, maybe I could stop loving him. And if I could stop loving him, maybe I wouldn't feel this horrible pain that comes every time I think of him.
The afternoon after we broke up, my mom and some visitors we had over came to pick me up from school. When I got in the car, my mom knew something was wrong and I told her. We went to feed some ducks at a park and I had a little fun... but when we got back into the car, I got to thinking again.
We went home and I went into my room to try and find SOMETHING to do... and I saw a picture of him I kept on my desk before... everything happened. I couldn't look away and I started to cry. I can't explain why it hurt so badly. It just did. Eventually, I turned the picture frame over. I got through the rest of the night. Right now, I don't really remember what all I did... I remember wanting to cry all the time. That's all.
That night, I got into bed and tried to close my eyes. But I still thought about him. All of the things I didn't have anymore... All that I'd lost... I broke down and cried myself to sleep. I kept waking up during the night and crying. I didn't know why anymore, I should be over him by now, right?
When I got to school and saw him that morning, he told me that he liked another girl, and after I questioned him, that he wanted to ask her out. Again, I can't explain why, but it hurt so bad to hear those words. I felt so betrayed and unwanted it's not even funny. Of course, nothing was funny to me anymore so it's not like that was REALLY unusual.
I worried for the rest of the morning and saw him sitting with her at lunch. I sat down at another table and tried to ignore them. He came over and invited me to sit with them. I went over and talked to the girl he said he liked. I ended up crying and I had to go to a class. I saw him walk away in a crowd and I felt like he didn't care anymore.
I really wanted to go home and cry for the rest of the day. Inside, I wanted to stop being depressed, but I couldn't... stop crying. I was so afraid that I was going to get on his nerves with my piteous whimpering and sniveling... that he would think I was just irritating and trying to get attention. But I didn't want attention. I wanted everybody else to leave me alone for a while. I was so afraid he was going to go out with someone else and I would have to watch. I still don't know what I am going to do when that finally happens. I just don't know... I know I'm rambling and ranting but it makes me feel better. Sort of. Thanks to any who listened. Comments are welcome.